Category Archives: Funny Stories

Calorie Added Tax… Would it work in the US?

We came across this article and couldn’t help but question whether something like this would work in the United States. Check out the article and let us know what you think in the comments .
Celery Calorie Added Tax

You will be paid to eat this

 

Government to Link Tax on Food to Calories

 

The British government has come up with a unique plan to raise funds by adding a Calorie Added Tax to all food stuff. This CAT is directly related to the calorie content of food such that one calorie equals one pence.

Whilst this will have little effect on the cost of fruit and vegetables, it will have a greater impact on pre-prepared meals.

“For the time being,” said Nick Clegg, the Health and Wealth minister, a newly created post, “we will not be adding the CAT to drinks, only food. Most drinks have VAT, and having CAT and VAT would be unethical. This means that buying oil, beer or fruit juice will not have their prices increased.”

Some vegetables, notably, the potato or the cumquat, have more calories, and will consequently become more expensive. On the other side of the coin, celery has negative calories and will become cheaper, with the government effectively paying people to eat celery; possibly the only way to get celery eaten.

Although the move has been welcomed by healthy eating organisations, such as Flab Fighters, a well-known burger chain has come out in opposition to the plan.

“Our Large Raincoat burgers will cost more than a family car!” complained Alvin McDonald. “And people will have to remortgage their house to get the salad.”

“We are hoping this will encourage more cooking,” said Clegg. “For now the base ingredients will cost less than having them cooked by some nameless company in Wolverhampton and shipped around the country in refrigerated trucks. Which is how it should be.”

Borrowed from: http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s1i97532

A Woman’s Week At The Gym

Hilarious Story About The First Week Working Out!

by DUSTIN MAHER on

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

I wanted to thank Arika for sending me this funny email!  I bet some of you can relate
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

____________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!  Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It’s a whole new life for me.
_______________________________WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Christo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________

SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

If you liked this, please share it with some friends who might need a good laugh!

Borrowed From: http://dustinmaherfitness.com/2010/01/26/hilarious-story-about-the-first-week-working-out/